She was a well-dressed, middle-aged woman. When she smiled and leaned in to speak to me, I was taken off guard. “I like your boobs,” she said. Never wanting to appear impolite, I remember responding with a very faint “Thank you.” It wasn’t until the conversation continued that I realized she had actually said: “I like your boots.”

This has happened to me more than once. In grammar school, I proudly sang “The Star-Spangled Banner” at the top of my lungs each morning. I was absolutely crushed to hear that Josė, whom I had imagined to be a new U.S. citizen, was not being sung to at all. The actual words are “O say…”, but I still like my version better: “José, does that star-spangled banner yet wave.”

Scientists label this an auditory illusion, defined as a false perception of sound. The brain interprets audio input differently from its physical reality, similar to an optical illusion. I sometimes wonder if it’s the comedic side of my brain having a little fun at my expense. Studies have shown that the brain does, in fact, have a funny bone. It’s located near the right frontal lobe, just above the right eye. Instead, I picture hundreds of miniature comedians impatiently awaiting their turn to audition and deliver one-liners. 

Years ago, when Mr. Wiz* and I were discussing our wedding, we were in a quandary as to what to do. Having both been married before and now owning a business together, the guest list was increasing with each mention of the subject. 

A leisurely Sunday brunch at our favorite restaurant seemed like a good time to broach the subject. Our quick banter soon became heated. When his appetizer appeared, it gave him the idea to try to diffuse the situation by offering me some. “Cantaloupe?” he said, grinning. 

I understood him to say “Can’t elope.” After that, Mr. Wiz says all he can remember is me jumping up, kissing him, and thanking him for wanting a wedding. He was still dazed, as the event took on a life of its own, and wedding plans were in full swing by that afternoon. 

Neurologically speaking, my system becomes nervous at the thought of those sound waves traveling from my ear canal to my eardrum. I only hope that my concentration levels are at a heightened state, so that those vibrations transmitted to my brain become words that I can either live by or laugh at. 

Author’s Notes:
*Mr. Wizard/Mr. Wiz: My darling husband and best friend, who is well-versed on every subject, always seems to know the answer to every question, and is my “wizard behind the curtain.”

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